Response to Melting the Iceberg complaint

I have recently been collaborating with The Satir Institute of the Pacific (SIP) to run some workshops related to my work around Self-Connection that has been largely influenced and inspired by Virginia Satir; one the founders of family therapy. This post is primarily aimed at addressing current or possible future complaints/concerns regarding what I am and will be teaching . I hope that it will reassure anyone interested in attending a workshop that I am sincere in what I am attempting to do by trying to grow/evolve/expand Virginia’s work.

The anonymous poster makes a serious claim that I am not qualified to say what I am saying and further that it is a 'misuse'. I don’t believe this attitude or complaints is unique within the Satir community. I have already encountered it quite intensively in the past. I have experienced firsthand that the elders in the Satir community maintain a defense of what they believe and experienced of Virginia Satir’s teachings. This is an example of strict orthodox, a dogmatic approach, which defends its position (Status quo) and resists change and growth. I believe this to be the antithesis of Virginia’s work and personhood. She was someone who was constantly learning, evolving, and innovating. She would often say in workshops, “Next year this workshop will be completely different.” or “…all I am telling you is something I put together. Nothing written in blood.”

Here is the complaint for context: You can click on the link for the original post

The poster is anonymous.

The idea being expressed here is that concepts, notions and interpretations that deviate from status quo should not be allowed. This discourages innovation with Virginia’s work and is not congruent with her teachings about the five freedoms. The tone and content of this post is fear-based, rigid, closed, and intolerant. This is a good example of incongruent communication.

Thankfully, SIP is persisting in allowing me to go forward with my workshop. I am grateful. The poster criticizes SIP saying, "I don’t like seeing this notion supported by the Satir Institute." This is clearly an attempt to discourage people from attending the workshop. I am providing a thorough response to demonstrate my credentials and to assure people that SIP is on the right track as a teaching institute. I am aware that people in therapy circles are generally allergic to the word "defense” (i.e., being defensive or using defense mechanisms). However, defense is an important and healthy resource in the appropriate context and should not be neglected here. A body has an immune system to defend against viruses, a doctorate student needs to defend their thesis, a country needs to defend their borders from invasion. My hope is that this post can be a defense that is a healthy conscious response to the anonymous complaint and any concerns people may have. I hope this post can be seen as an invitation to healthy dialogue. I hope to address the theoretical concerns about incorporating the action of ‘melting’ with the iceberg metaphor (content related) as well as highlight the importance of being able to engage in healthy dialogue that is congruent with humanistic values (process related).

Virginia taught a growth model. Intolerance for other people to have their own ideas, to evolve and to grow their unique understanding is freezing the potential of what Virginia taught.  

We should aim to create maps that help us navigate life and not try to maintain a rigid loyalty to “the Satir model”. The crystallization of the model in the form of an iceberg has been the freezing of its evolution. I have often wondered why more people don’t know about Virginia’s work. I believe that it is this kind of reactive energy and lack of intellectual curiosity that has held back Virginia work from reaching a larger audience. 

 Here are a list of points to address the Instagram complaint.. 

 1. The iceberg was not Virginia’s invention. It was created by Jane Gerber, John Banmen, and Maria Gomori. Jane Gerber clarifies this point in the documentary produced by Jesse Carlock called An Oral History of Virginia Satir.  The poster is concerned with the metaphor being misinterpreted. The purpose of a metaphor is interpretation. My addition of 'melting’ is an attempt to ground the metaphor in first principles (physics). There are many examples where my addition of ''melting the iceberg’ has been useful in my life and the lives of clients I serve. I have not heard of any feedback where melting creates confusion about the original iceberg metaphor. Only dead things do not move. We have blood that circulates throughout us, air that comes in and out of our lungs and we have bodies that move. From Virginia (Verbatim 445), “…one of the things that I have tried hard not to do, is to get a single image that will say what I do because it isn’t that, it’s process.”

  2. Virginia says in Verbatim (transcription of a 30 day training) that we should aspire to the freedom of movement of water as this is the state of any healthy cell.  This can be seen, for example, in her practice of ‘parts party’ where she would help people integrate disavowed parts of self by having them interact and move together in new ways. A person frozen in the way they behave, think, feel and who is unable or unwilling to move can be said to be frozen in unhealthy ways. In the survival responses of fight, flight and freeze, freeze represents the level of trauma response that is most severe and entails dissociation. The iceberg is an excellent metaphor for representing what is happening for people stuck in their symptoms. It helps people realize that there is a lot more going on than behavior. What Virginia called ‘survival coping’.  Clients have remarked to me, "When I was depressed, I felt frozen."  I see the connection to the living and vital Self and the therapeutic relationship, attachment, connection as the force that helps people get unstuck so they can melt the pattern, the form of their coping so they can become a choicemaker as Virginia taught. 

 I never liked leaving the iceberg metaphor (or the incorporation of the I AM) as part of a frozen structure.  Melting the iceberg is a phrase I have been using for the last 7 years as an expansion of the iceberg metaphor to represent transformation, movement and health. When you view the podcast, (https://youtu.be/2Xeae94xJs0 starting at 1:03:00)  you will see my various reasons/arguments for this.

Here they are again: Mental illness being described as a frozen state by clients, caterpillars bodies melt and are liquefied and are transformed into butterflies, ice changing into water requires melting, healthy cells being fluid, a phoenix rises from the ashes, a flowing river never grows stale, the benefits of movement on the sedentary states, pathological states of mind being frozen thoughts, feelings, expectations, etc.  

The poster writes "this idea of “Melting the Iceberg” does not fit with the Satir Model." In the podcast, John expressed his concern that melting meant that something disappeared. As I explained to John, the law of thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but the form changes. Ice when it melts becomes water. It doesn't disappear, instead it flows. It transforms. Anyone who has seen Virginia Satir’s work would see that she flows beautifully. I want the metaphor and language we use to match Virginia’s essence and her work. I have been studying Virginia’s work for the past 16 years what she has taught me has transformed me as a human being in all roles. My study has been active and I have found new language and metaphors that I believe point well to the essence of her work.

In my view and experience, melting the iceberg, melting the form, is an appropriate way of representing transformation of form.  Isn’t it plain to see in any video demonstration when Virginia makes contact and ‘melts’ the survival coping stances and full engages the person(s) with her dynamic presence?

 3. Virginia said “beware of the tyranny of the one right way”.  In 2020, I presented at Satir global zoom calls on the Seed model and the Hierarchical model.  I received 95% positive reviews. Their were 4 elders who vehemently disagreed with my attempt at integrating these two models. The critics refused to engage in dialogue with me and complained to the president of Satir Global and attempted to censor my presentation from being published on the Satir Global website.  When one person made reference to my work as being helpful, one of the critics took two weeks to explain away my alleged 'misrepresentation' without ever naming me as the 'culprit' or inviting me to discuss or debate the issues.  All of this flies in the face of everything Virginia taught about communication , congruence and connecting to the life force within people.

At this moment, I need to overcome my old scripts to placate and to avoid conflict. The Satir Institute approached me to provide workshops because they feel I have something useful to offer. I feel strongly that the iceberg metaphor and many elements of Virginia's work need to be updated , evolved and expanded.  This is necessary to accurately capture and make intelligible the essence of her work and make it applicable to a wider and current audience.  I am willing to debate/discuss the theoretical ideas related to Virginia's work with anyone in a public forum where it can be recorded for educational purposes.  If I am wrong , teach me.  I imagine a person who has already made up their mind will not accept my invitation to engage in earnest dialogue with me. My mind and my heart is open to learning and my invitation to dialogues is open to anyone who is sincere. 

 4. Virginia, on video, once said that she wished every person had a tail with an eye on the end of it so everyone could see themselves. We all have blind spots and no one can see their own back. 

My view is the Eye, the I, the I AM, the Self, needs to be in relationship to the experience , the iceberg, which is the form of experience and of personality, not positioned at the bottom of experience. The practice of mindfulness meditation is a perspectival shift that allows for a metacogntive shift that helps individuals disidentify with their thoughts and feelings. We need to evolve the metaphor from being frozen which is the final rung of Dante’s’ hell to something flowing , moving and alive like a healthy cell. The Self is better seen as the nucleus of the cell which gives instructions to the forms of experience that serve Self’s growth. The Self must be the force that can move within, between and among the form of experience. 

 5. Finally, Virginia was one of the first people to teach externalization long before the narrative people.

If we can agree “you are not your experience”  and the iceberg represents everything about your experience in different forms of behavior, feelings, thoughts, expectations, perceptions, (elements of iceberg) then why is the Self enmeshed with experience?  In my view the iceberg metaphor does not make this distinction and communicate space between experience and the Self clear. The Self can be trapped when it is confused or identified with experience. 

Instead the Self can be the leader and the creator of experience. 

The Satir institute was offering trainings at a time when I needed it the most.  I had been studying Virginia’s work in books and video tapes for 7 years and felt isolated since my cohort did not even have an idea about who Virginia Satir was. I am grateful to the institute then for what I gained and now for encouraging me to share what I have learned and continue to expand in my relationship to Virginia’s work.  

My aim is to honour Virginia’s work by growing and nurturing the seeds she gave us. Her work has inspired me and is the foundation for my personal and professional growth. 

As she said "try what I have to offer if it doesn’t fit spit it out." Here in this comment I see someone spitting but without trying anything out.  The writer of this post admits not understanding what is meant yet is clear that a mistake has been made.  This is not congruent with the Five freedoms  (The Freedom to feel, see/hear, think, say, risk, and ask) and aims at denigrating someone’s honest attempt to evolve Virginia’s work through study of original sources, attending trainings, creating podcast interviews with Virginia’s students and colleagues and numerous discussions with Virginia's students over the course of 16 years. 

 Status quo naturally resists change. I can appreciate that students are protective of their teachers. But the use of threat is the antithesis of Virginia’s work.  “Most of us….do not tolerate misuse of the work” The definition of intolerance is “unwillingness to accept views, beliefs or behaviors that differ from one’s own.” As Virginia said ‘No one has seen the back of their own head.” We need each other to see each other’s blind spots. Intolerance corrupts the space for healthy dialogue/connection and if we are to grow together we need tolerance and openness to alternate ways of perceiving, thinking and being in this world.

 I hope we can aim to learn and grow together and further attempt to fulfill Virginia’s vision of peace within, peace between and peace among. 

 The Satir community needs to evolve collectively in our way of handling disagreements/differences. I see this as an opportunity to practice congruence.

The process of dialogue we engage here is as important as any content offered by a single workshop. I see it as 'practicing what we preach' ; taking theory into action.

My wish is that we can engage the resources of truth, courage, compassion, freedom and openness together.

The Will Smith Slap: The Monetization of Vulnerability

In the last week, I have gotten swept up in the slap heard around the world. I am trying to understand my interest as celebrity gossip is the last place I want to spend my time. I am a fan of Will Smith’s work and grew up watching the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

What I think is valuable about this event and why it may be worth your time is it is an example of how one event can divide people. Many people can watch the same 10 second clip and have different opinions and explanations about what happened, why it happened and what should happen. These different reactions reveal the processes of being human and how we create experiences: bias, sensation, feeling, thoughts, perceptions, story, beliefs, communication, etc. Through this event in pop culture, I am trying to learn about myself and other people. There are two key points I want to explore with you.

The first is the matter of self-awareness and inner work. In the current context of social media and attention as currency: Vulnerability sells. I hope to bring awareness to this issue and pose some beginning questions for discussion to address this new problem. Second, I want to discuss what I see as a collective mental illness in our culture that reinforces a collective inability to talk to each other. As as I write, I acknowledge that I am trying to do two things simultaneously; I am expressing my opinion on the manner (offering the content of my thoughts, perceptions) and I am also trying to articulate the process of learning by talking about dialogue and hoping that that larger wish and frame of keeping the dialogue going can be something meaningful and worthwhile for us all. As I share the content of my thoughts, I encourage you to both evaluate the manner in which I share these and see where I could be better either in content or form and I invite you to watch your own reactions to what I am saying. Most interesting would be the points of disagreement or where strong negative reactions come up. This would be relevant for process and for communication.

This entire blog post is both an attempt to express the content of my thoughts and to learn to engage in healthier processes of communication. I am less concerned with being right with being able to have open and healthy dialogues with others and for us to engage with each other honestly, compassionately and meaningfully.

I am using this situation of something negative (someone getting slapped) and trying to make it positive by engaging in my honest self-expression and inviting you to dialogue with me. (Essentially, saying, “Here’s my opinion and thoughts. Tell me where I might be right or wrong.”)

The last movie I can recall seeing of his was The Pursuit of Happyness (2006). I’ve observed in the last few months with the launch of his book and his documentary about weight loss that he’s come back into my awareness. Watching Will Smith’s YouTube show Best shape of my Life, I appreciated the insights and vulnerability he seemed to be displaying. There appeared to be an earnest attempt to become self-aware and to grow. But why does all of this inner work need to occur in the public eye? What effect does having an open public forum and the attention of millions have on the person’s growth process? If the person addicted to attention continues to receive attention for being vulnerable can it be said that this vulnerability is being held in an appropriately healing context? Is this process is sincere/healthy or is this a performance of authenticity?

There was something that was particularly disturbing to me about the documentary (Best shape of my Life) and it was the sit-down talk where Will read excerpts from his book to his children to ensure they were fine with those details of their relationship being shared with the public. Many of the things Will shares, they are hearing for the first time (e.g., that he struggled with suicidal ideation). When I reflect on the way I felt and my distrust of what I was seeing, the slap of Chris Rock adds to that distrust. It seems a person can feign self-awareness and inner work. Of course, an actor would be capable of self/other deception. The way I felt watching the table-read was, “This is a private moment for Will and his children. This should not be shrouded in the context of self-promotion, or selling a book.”

Since Brene Brown’s now famous talk on the Power of Vulnerability (2010), I have been skeptical about what I would now call the monetization of vulnerability.  This is a larger topic for another day, but in the age of social media where attention is the number one currency and people are encouraged to put more and more of themselves ‘out there’ the space for a private life is disappearing for us all. 

What are the proper frames around vulnerability? I propose that if a person is selling product, themselves, and is addicted to attention, can it be said that the revelation of such vulnerability is genuine or authentic?  It’s well known that sex-sells; maybe it’s vulnerability that sells now. Emotional nakedness. You can corrupt vulnerability if you have not given what you have experienced enough space and time in a private context to be properly processed and integrated in the whole of your psyche. Not everything is appropriate for public consumption.

What I experienced with Will’s act of slapping of Chris Rock was an insecure man unsure of himself and how to be. Like many of the people in that room and in this world, he appeared to take his cues of who to be and how to act only by looking at what others expected of him. He was a slave to his reactive emotions and to external validation.  Something I’m sure all of us have been guilty of mind you. “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.”

But he was not only reactive like a road rage incident, because if he was that enraged he would have just stormed the stage yelling and screaming at Chris. No, what we all witnessed was a calm calculated suave walk, which concealed his intention to hit Chris in the face.  This is why Chris was so surprised. He didn’t see it coming.  Remember Will laughs initially.  It reasonable to think that Will was coming up to do something funny.  The calculation in being able to conceal his intention and to avoid triggering security or Chris to the threat of violence reveals a much more disturbing picture; one of a man weighed down by many misplaced expectations and erroneous maps of reality.

Denzel Washington apparently said to Will, “Be careful, at your highest moment, that’s when the devil comes for you.” The secular version of that that I would have offered Will is: “Be careful, at your highest egotistical moment, life will humble you.” At the Academy awards the point of the comedian is to entertain the audience at home and to bring these so-called stars back to earth so they can be related to more easily.

That is why the single act of slapping is so complex. It wasn’t just emotions. It occurred within multiple frames of reality: emotions, Will’s past experience with trauma (Seeing his mom get punched by his dad), his ways of coping with that trauma, his relationship with Jada, Will’s need for approval and attention, his racial/cultural background, his fame, etc. The contexts and layers are endless, but how this is relevant to all of us is the way we project our own way of being in this world onto this event.  Some of us will use psychological frame, like I am doing here, some will use the social-political frame, some will use a racial frame, some will use a cultural frame; others a religious or moral one.  What I find interesting is that we can see different forms of psychological defense: blaming- blaming Will, White people, the Academy, Hollywood  ; denial-”It wasn’t a big deal. It was only a slap and he deserves it because the joke was incredibly offensive!”; dissociative : “it wasn’t even real! It was a gag for ratings!”

My interpretation of the events is textbook projection and reactivity rather than conscious responsiveness and wise choicemaking by Will Smith.  Will made a choice and it was to be a slave to the crowd which is ethos of Hollywood. ‘Spineless’ as Jim Carrey described it.  I am aware of my own feelings of anger towards Will Smith because he used his ‘personal work’ and offers himself as an example to others of doing his inner work (having a therapist on the show) which misinforms the public about the appropriate ways of going about healing and inner work. Just as a pregnant woman giving birth to new life is a private matter; an individual giving birth to a new transformation also deserves a private and sacred space. I am an advocate for such sacred spaces and I wish to protect these spaces expressing the necessity of having boundaries of privacy around our inner work.

Just as a pregnant woman giving birth to new life is a private matter; an individual giving birth to new transformation also deserves a private and scared space

By all appearances, the standing ovation Will Smith received was fueled more by a superficial need to belong to the crowd and to side with the bully like a scene out of high school where the football captain beats the crap out of the skinny class clown. This is an example of the well-known psychological phenomenon: the bystander effect; essentially when something bad happens (an assault) most people will preserve themselves by ignoring what is happening and say, “Someone else will take care of this”.
For those who are applauding Will, I see them missing the point that at the end of the day he reacted in the guise of ‘being a man’  and/or ‘defending/honoring his woman’ and this is the worst kind of role modeling that any of us especially our children need at this time. In a moment on the global stage where a country with more firepower is invading another country, we see Will Smith use his star power to physically assault another black man, who experienced severe bullying in his past, and not only face zero consequences but he was literally awarded the next moment by applause as he went on about being a ‘vessel for love’. We should be moving forward away from a toxic dominance/submission model of living not backwards into it.  

Will Smith needs to be supported and encouraged to do better. Not rejected. Not cancelled.

Whatever emotions were on display in the physical act of slapping Chris Rock were certainly out of proportion and unrelated to the specific act of a single joke. 

As a therapist, I want to highlight this dichotomy between what is depicted of Will in the documentary (a person working at self-awareness and not being a slave to external markers like public image, other’s expectations, and the number on a scale) ; in contrast to what we saw at the Academy awards ( a conscious choice though misinformed to cross a line going from words to using hands). We need to think about what it means to be vulnerable and what the appropriate contexts and spaces are for that vulnerability and whether those spaces even exist currently. If we do not have healthy boundaries between what is public and what is private, our ability to grow is severely disabled.

Vulnerability is corrupted when it is used as a means to an end rather than a means and an end unto itself. I want to advocate for individuals to find and creates spaces of healthy vulnerability. Spaces where trust is grown not given; spaces where everyone acknowledges their limitations and is willing to grow; spaces where people understand or are willing to learn how to be supportive; spaces where people are creating safety but are willing to feel uncomfortable.

I do not have all the answers. I have many more questions. Everything in life moves constantly. I know that the incident with Will Smith has highlighted for me something important that I want to get a better grip on and make greater sense of.

Own your S#$t.  

We all have a shadow side. You and me are no better than Will Smith. In fact, on a level of success and achievement he is exceptional and certainly is more rich and famous than me.  Beyond Will Smith, I am more concerned about the collective response to the incident and the ways in which our mental health or rather our mental illness is made visible through this single incident.

How is it that there can be so many divergent perspectives on a single event? What do we do if we or others say resolutely, “The way I see it is right!” Isn’t the arrogance of being right the road on which dialogue goes to die?

Right now, in our global society during a global pandemic, how do we handle differences? What I see mostly is estrangement. Estrangement as friends and families disagree on matters related to vaccines, mandates and masks. The silence of estrangement has become a silent killer of connection.

If dialogue stops, doesn’t learning, growing and loving stop? When it comes to violence, isn’t there a danger that if we don’t learn to put violence in its proper place in society then we could end up destroying each other and the planet?

We need to be able to say when an action is wrong, reactive and hurtful. We can work backwards from there and heal. No one learns well through shaming, punishment, oppression. We learn well when we are in a supportive context of unconditional positive regard for the essence of the human being and the honest appraisal of thinking, feeling and behaving as it relates to life in general and specific contexts. This is the contemplation of “How best to live?”

Some people are saying that Chris went too far with his joke (in fact, it was a joke written for him). I disagree. The expectation is you should know that the reason why she has a shaved head is because of her medical condition and therefore making a joke about her shaved head should be off limits for a comedian.  Apparently, Chris Rock did not know. Even if he knew, the joke was so light and not mean spirited. If a comedian can not say, prefaced in “I love you, Jada”, you look like the strong resilient female character, GI Jane, then there really is no freedom of speech and we can not tease or make jokes of any kind. Comedians should be afforded more licence because their role is to make people laugh. Their art form requires them to play at the edges of acceptability.  Jada herself said, “I can only laugh” in her public declaration on Instagram about accepting her hair loss. 

The collective mental illness on display in this event and in the aftermath is the collective revealing of ideology, bias and neuroticism. What is bewildering and overwhelming about this event is not just the event itself, but the reactions to the event that I am witness in various videos, articles and comments. What I think I see are layers and layers of delusion that we as a society are not equipped to deal with or work through because their are barricades in our discourse that prevent us from understanding one another and entering into needed feedback loops so we can discard the toxic effects of self-deception and face reality together.

I would define mental illness by the inability to accurately perceive and reconcile multiple perspectives and instead to be locked into one negative and destructive pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving that closes down healthy relatedness and functioning of self, to others and to the world. Another perhaps more triggering word for mental illness is insanity.  When I live with a mental map that does not afford me an accurate representation or functional relationship to reality, this is the state of insanity, hallucination, delusion.  
I am not immune to this disorder; this insanity.   Writing this article, I have felt afraid to express my thoughts and feelings for fear of being rejected, cancelled, judged. If I give into the fear, I know that I am going to become insane myself because I am no longer willing to dialogue and interact with the world. I am tempted to hide in isolation, but this can not be the way. I want to think and speak freely. I need to. Censoring myself is something that I am familiar with and know the cost to health, life and my own vitality. 

I am not sure if I am being paranoid or reasonable in my fears.

For example, I do not agree with people making this incident about race. This article is an example of racializing the incident, which I would interpret as an example of delusional thinking. I do not perceive the author of this article as having a good grip on reality. Right now the expression of such delusional thought is rewarded so it is functional in our society, but the set of propositions does not map well onto reality. The fact that this kind of rhetoric is allowed contributes to divergent thinking and it empowers a position that perpetuates racism against people who are being identified as “white'“. I feel a certain threat with criticizing this article because of the politically correct climate in which we currently live. The inability to comment or criticize this article without being labeled a ‘racist’ contributes to mental illness for anyone who disagrees. This additional trouble is this author is then left in an echo chamber similar to Putin’s long table.

We all have our perspectives and are limited by what we can know as individuals. We need to engage each other in dynamic reciprocal relationships with the intentions of seeking the best for each individual, the group and the environment.

I make no claim that what I am expressing here is the ‘right’ perspective or the entire view. No one can possess that let alone provide that in words. That would require an unlimited amount of words and time; in other words, omnipotence and omniscience.

We should approach the situation of Will Smith hitting another human being with grace and mercy, but also with justice. It is not OK to do what he did.  Eventually , not on the night but a day later, he was able to apologize to the person he physically assaulted.  I hope that he can heal and evolve. From what I’ve read, studios are pulling out of projects with him. Maybe now, he can get the rest he needs, gain some privacy for the first time in decades and do some real inner work. Maybe this act of self-sabotage was one of unconscious self-love. That is my wish for Will anyway.

I could not stop myself from discussing this situation with my wife and my 5 year old son kept asking me, “What are you talking about?” So I explained that a famous actor hit another man because he said a joke he did not like. Then I went onto remind my son that that is not how you use your hands. You use your voice first and foremost. Physical aggression is a last resort.

I explained that adults like Will Smith and your daddy make mistakes too and we need to learn from these. One of the things I learned as a father is to say to my son, “We love our mistakes.” We love them so we can learn and grow. We love them because love is the energy that transcends our human folly. Of course Will deserves our support and love in spite of his mistake. Every human being needs a simultaneous dose of unconditional love and conditional justice. Unconditional love is the ground of being that allows for growth and the boundaries of justice help us grow in ways that save us from becoming corrupted.

So these are my thoughts and feelings at this moment. (In actuality, I have edited this article dozens of times and have taken it offline several times. Out of fear. To clarify and evolve my thinking. I have not shared it on any social media platforms; only to close friends and in support circles.)

Some of what I say may be right or wrong. I admit that I have blind spots. We all do. We must be willing to admit them and aim at the collective project of our own self-awareness.  What is essential is not ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ but the ability to have healthy dialogue so that we can help each other approximate to reality better. I am open to dialogue with you and open to updating my mind, my body, and my heart. 

In order for healthy dialogue to exist, the willingness to update must be mutual which means we will each do our best to share what we see that perhaps the other does not: self-deception, nefarious intentions, blind-spots, ego, toxic beliefs, bias.

Along with self-awareness, we must sharpen our ability to speak precisely, fairly, and respectfully. 

Self-Awareness and Communication skills: I think these are the two key ingredients for connection.  

I am interested in growing in these two practice as these abilities afford connection, which is what we all yearn for at the end of the day.

A Lesson of Trust with Squirrels

I was sitting with my eyes closed meditating when I heard the sound.

I ignored it.

“God, what if it’s an animal getting in the attic?”

No, just forget it  ignore it.

Go back to peaceful, silent meditation (Denial).

More scratching and pattering under the floorboards.

Argh!

Finally, I stand up and go to the window and there I see two baby squirrels frozen mid-step. One on the shingles of my roof and the other with its head peeking out of a hole into the roof.

I felt the rush of panic and concern. How on earth would I get these squirrels out of my house?

What kind of damage had they done to the insulation, electricity, shingles, wood, etc.?

After the initial rush of adrenaline, I sat with the panicked thoughts and confessed to myself, “I don't know how to solve this problem.” It is a disturbing and painful experience to be confronted by a situation that provokes : I don’t know what to do.

I messaged a few companies but was not sure they would also be able to repair the roofing as well. I worried about how much all this would cost. 

My body felt exhausted by the unexpected thoughts, feelings and worries that sprung up in the middle of a meditation. Discouraged, I told my wife the bad news, asking her to do her best to not freak out. She did well. I coped temporarily by telling myself that the squirrels might have been there for days, weeks and months.  It was an important issue but it wasn’t an emergency and therefore it was ok if I didn’t have an immediate solution. I could take a few days to find one. 

The next day I happened to see a post on a local neighborhood Facebook page with someone requesting a few shingle repairs for their roof after some wind damage.

I noticed a man offering his services and his tone seemed friendly and helpful.

I checked out his profile and found his company page and that he had been doing this work for 19 years. 

“This sounds pretty good because we need to repair the roof” I thought

As I read more on the company page, I could see that he also did pest removal. 

Roof repair and pest removal combined!? Eureka!

I felt so hopeful. Maybe I had found someone who could save us from our squirrel problem.

I contacted him immediately through Facebook but sadly did not hear back.  I tried the phone number but it did not go through.

After a walk in the morning, I look at the house hoping to take pictures of the damage. I notice that I might be able to climb on the roof and use a ladder to get a closer look at the squirrel hole. 

I felt hopeful. My natural curiosity to explore , to look and to wonder: what is going on? Could I scare the squirrels out the hole at least and convince them to leave? Could I put my counselling skills to good use and meditate a solution?

I reached out to another company but there was a lot of uncertainty. I had to pay $50 dollars to get an estimate and there was no guarantee they would do the work because of the height of the roof and the snowy conditions. I could feel that this was not likely to be a viable solution.

Discouraged, I looked at the roofers Facebook page one more time and noticed an email account. I assumed that he did not see my Facebook message and perhaps the phone number was outdated. I was following an instinct that I had from that small Facebook interaction that this person could be trusted to do this job. 

So I sent a message and within an hour he got back to me!

We spoke and within a few hours he was at our house repairing the roof. He noticed 3 squirrels scampering out and he sealed the hole. He also just happened to have the type of shingles we needed to repair this small segment of roof.

My instincts were right.

It felt validating to go through this process of experiencing the initial distress, then letting go and acceptance of the situation and then allowing my mind to conjure up solutions knowing that the first things I thought would not be the correct or the best solution.

What I learned from this experience is a revisiting of the life process:

1. When Something ‘bad’ happens. Something disturbing and painful occurs.

   1. I can see the psychological process that something from the unconscious emerges into my conscious awareness

   2. As I notice it and it hits you like a punch to the face. I feel scared, confused, stressed, angry. 

   3. Of course, I don’t like the emotions. I feel the intensity. I want to try to ignore or deny the experience, situation and the feelings. I feel the impulse to be defensive. To protect myself from the experience of pain. I see myself wanting to deny or ignore the situation.

2. Then a choice to face the situation occurs as I ride the wave of initial intensity.

   1. I take a deep breath and orient towards the problem. I humble myself before the problem and begin to look and notice whatever I can about what is going on. 

   2. I try to accept my feelings with acceptance/compassion and as information.

   3. I am oriented towards solutions. Who/what could help? This was beyond me.

   4. Admitting my limitations is definitely an asset and has helped me as recently as a few weeks ago when my son shoved a piece of Lego up his nose. After one failed attempt to get it out I admitted that I could not fix the problem so we took him to emergency where the doctor proceeded to wrap him up in a blanket to immobilize him, use local anesthetic on his nose and a special Lego remover designed for the nose. It was actually an amazing feat!

3. Trusting the life process including others.

   1. I followed my instinct to reach out to the roofer on Facebook. I was creating an image in my mind based on what I was reading and seeing on Facebook that he could help us. Trusting my instincts, which is a deeper source of information than simply my reactive emotions or defensive patterns.

   2. I persisted even when I didn’t hear back. This is something I have been learning to do more, which is not to write people off so quickly but to give them the benefit of the doubt.

In the end, this seemingly small and insignificant event of getting squirrels out of the attic had the narrative arc of a typical hero’s journey.  Going from a state of bliss, into chaos and the unknown and then needing to widen my perspective and access resources that were unknown to me and to to engage and then to trust the living process. I’m not saying I was the hero in this story. The roofer was. But the archetypal narrative arc of order, chaos and then new order is something we experience in our daily lives whenever problems arise. 

Somehow everything you need to learn you can learn from squirrels. 

Be with the unknown

Feelings near and far

People can suffer with their emotions for two reasons. They feel too much or they feel too little.

If they feel too much they are overwhelmed by the energy of their feelings and ruminate.

Another way of thinking of this is with the metaphoric language of distance.

For some people their feelings are so close that they can not see anything else and their emotions take over everything and it feels hopeless because it seems permanent.  

For others, their feelings are too far away therefore they feel alienated from themselves and can’t access the good and useful in listening to and integrating their emotions. Off in the distance, they feel lost and depressed because they have learned to suppress or ignore their emotions.  They wish to grasp at them because they sense that something of their authentic selves resides there but don’t know how to listen or hold them in a way where the feelings move closer. Perhaps they are ambivalent about whether it would be a good idea to allow the emotions to approach.

Be with the unknown

I have a worry about teaching people to quickly language and label their emotions. “Name it to tame it” says well known psychiatrist Dan Seigal. I think part of our problem is our over reliance on thought.  Labelling feelings and therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy work from a  premise that thoughts are the primary vehicle for coping with difficult feelings.  Some clients then struggle with CBT concepts because there are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways to think after all.  The emphasis on thoughts does not help clients learn to let go of thinking and to free themselves from rumination. 

Rather than immediately engaging in thinking, distress tolerance or the ability to be with the unknown and chaos is a foundational aspect of psychological resilience.  The purpose of emotions is to help orient us to situations, people, problems where our knowledge base, problem solving, has reached its limitations. This is uncomfortable and reacting too quickly to dispel or distract away from the discomfort can lead to lost learning.

I would prefer if we taught people to be accepting of all emotions and to remain within their bodies and to learn to tolerate the discomfort of their emotions.  This is why techniques like mindfulness meditation, yoga, ACT therapy are useful because they teach a way of being with experience that isn’t about layering on more thinking, but shifting the perspective from which we are experiencing life.  This shift in stance or attitude can result in a shift in the feelings.

Now, I make a distinction between emotions and feelings. Emotions are a primary vital energy. They are connected to deep human universal needs like love, connection, creativity, meaning, survival. They fuel us and make up the juice of life.  Feelings on the other hand are the by-product of this primal emotional energy that has gone through the filter of thoughts. 

Here is an example;

Primary emotion: sadness, loneliness (need:yearning for connection)

event/sensory input: My neighbor who usually chats with me makes eye contact with me and rushes in their house

Thought: They are mad at me. I did something wrong. They don’t like me anymore.

Feeling: Hurt, Rejected, Worried, anger.

What is your belief or attitude towards feelings? Do you believe that there are good and bad emotions? That some are just better avoided or denied? Or that feelings have an important role to play and are a manifestation of life force and provide important information for our living? Our beliefs form the basis of our relationship to emotions. If we believe emotions to be harmful and they should be avoided because the pain is intolerable, we will use negative coping like addictions, toxic relationships and negative rumination.

However, if we can work from a foundational belief that all emotions are good even the bad ones. This opens up new possibilities that keep us in connection with our living process of which emotions are a primary fuel since they provide the drive towards survival, growth and fulfillment. There are no emotions/feelings that I don’t want to be acquainted and eventually friends with. There may be times when I don’t have the energy to look or I need to distract myself, but I make a promise to spend time with whatever energy, emotion, or feeling that is coming up as soon as I am able or have the support of others I need. Listening and paying attention to my self in this way honors the life force moving within me in whatever form or sensation it happens to take at a moment in time. Rather than relying on a defensive coping stance of projecting, denying or ignoring, my wish is to embrace the need which is the seed within the challenging emotion.

Taking an open, compassionate and curious stance with the feeling can help us be present to the difficult feelings. What is here? Whatever is here is acceptable even if it feels bad or can be scary. Whatever comes from a human is human and worth looking at with human dignity and respect even if it is difficult. 

It has been my personal and professional experience that the belief that ‘all feelings are good” has proven to be true. Perhaps in your family context, you learned, as I did, from a young age that certain emotions, especially the so-called bad ones, are to be suppressed and denied.  Unfortunately, if you haven’t had the consistent experience that being with difficult emotions can be healthy and constructive this is only a vague hypothesis that promises a lot but only after taking a scary and painful risk of facing the darkness.

This is why the first step is often to create and find the spaces of safety, nurturance and connection.  In order to move through the change process and to be present to the emotion that is stuck, we need a lot of support. Finding people that have the ability and patience to sit with us without judgment and with an active but calm compassion can help encourage us to move through our experience and transform feelings into new resources and perspectives.

Being with a good friend in this way, gives us clues of how we can be related to our experience. 

“The problem isn’t the problem. The problem is the coping with the problem” -Virginia Satir

Another way of putting this is: the problem isn’t the feelings, but what we believe about and do with our feelings that is the real problem. 

Therapy is a waste management system

Let’s talk about garbage. Everything you throw out was once useful to you that’s why it was in your house to begin with.

The key is knowing when it’s time to throw it out.

It doesn’t make sense to accumulate stuff forever. At some point, you need to give it away and let go.

Life is about learning what to do with the garbage of life. Some things, some relationships are truly garbage. And that’s not to put anyone down. I didn't say some people are garbage. Some things have outgrown their usefulness. Some things have no more energy in them and so they need to die and be put out to pasture.

It is sad. One day your body will be useless. That’s ok. Death comes for us all.

That’s nothing to resent about being. Life and death are a package deal. Accumulation and disposal are partners.

Question life demands of us:

What to hold on to? What to let go of? What to recycle/refurbish?

What needs to be replaced with something new?

After all, some things that you throw out tell you they need to be replaced.

Looking at the stuff of your life and trying to understand what is accumulating that is in fact garbage.

Emotionally what is the garbage that has accumulated?

The patterns that we created a long time ago that no longer serve us are a kind of schematic garbage. These patterns need to be updated.

If the metaphor of waste management system seems crude to you consider this: Our bodies have a waste management system. It has to. We take in food and accumulate garbage that needs to be disposed of. Every system including the psychological system creates waste that needs to be discarded. To acknowledge this empowers us with the choice to consciously make moment by moment about the various thoughts, feelings, memories, perceptions, expectations, rules, beliefs we possess or that possess us. 

Take a moment to consider a repeating theme or experience in your life. What are the recurring or familiar thoughts, feelings and desires that are associated with this pattern? Are you holding onto a relationship that is no longer positive or growthful for you and the other person? Are their memories or expectations that you cling to that are in fact harmful? Take a moment to simply look and to be present to what you can be aware of at this moment. After spending some time as yourself: Can I let go of this? Do I want to hang on? Can I make something new here?

Self-connection is an explicit process of digesting psychological matter(“processing” as the popular term in psychotherapy circles goes). Digestion is healthy because of the presence of movement. Things don’t get stuck in the pipes so to speak.

The recent growth of minimalism points to the value of getting rid of junk. Minimalism can also be applied to our mental health. By paying attention to what you allow in, what you hold on to and what you are choosing to let go of, you are actively engaging in caring for your psyche in ways that will be energizing, freeing and empowering. When you take responsibility for your own ‘junk’, you will have more room for new experiences, less reactive and be more present to the people around you. 

Everyone wins when you take out your trash.

Morning Movement Routine

I have been thinking about the sedentary issue for a long time. What makes sitting hazardous for our health is not sitting itself, but rather prolonged uninterrupted periods of sitting. Being stuck in one position leads to structural issues such as muscle and bone atrophy, disc herniation, varicose veins, numbness in the feet and calves, and a slowed metabolism. Prolonged sitting also impacts our mental health by creating a sense of fatigue, lowered mood and low energy. Without stimulating the body with healthy movement, the body doesn’t function in the way it was meant to. 

One of the moments in our day where movement is most important is after 7-8 hours of sleep when our bodies have been peacefully sedentary. Uninterrupted sleep is extremely important for health -unlike prolonged sitting the body needs sleep. Animals naturally stretch and move around as you’ve likely witness your cat and dog doing a stretch like this:

What I’d like to share with you is a series of movements you can do to help wake up the body first thing in the morning. This is called the Morning Wakeup Routine (MWR) from the ThinkMOVE program.  The great news is It only takes 3-4 minutes.

The benefits of doing this routine:

• Shake off the stiffness and soreness of being in one position all night

• Ignite your metabolism and blood flow with movement

• Energize your mind and prepare for the day using movement

• Oxygenate the entire body with breathing and movement 

• Prepare the body for a busy day and help prevent injury

Here is a video and the exercises that make up the Morning Wakeup Routine: 

https://youtu.be/Qw1QtuoAbKQ

• STANDING TWIST

• MOUNTAIN BENDS

• LEG SWINGS

• SUMO KNEES

I hope you enjoy the series. Taking a few minutes every morning to do these 4 movements. 

Let me know in the comments below how this was for you.

Seeing

Seeing

I let myself and others down everyday.. I know this.

I can let myself know and be aware of this fact.

We suffer so that we can learn to love…

We fail so we can know what it might mean to succeed.

To be in touch with the depth of I: Self.

Of life.  This is our primary purpose.

Everything is ok.

Everything is part of the whole, the Cosmic whole.

Simply let yourself look

Only you can see what you have failed to see. 

Seeing is enough.

However, action naturally flows from genuine seeing.

So don’t be surprised 

If you change the world as a result

Be aware of Dopamine crashing during Covid

Is there such a thing as being too happy?  

Seems ludicrous to even mention, but I have witnessed several situations that my clients have experienced what could be thought of as dopamine crashes before the pandemic and during. I believe this highlights a need to pay attention to potential dangerous dips in mood as a result of experiencing higher levels of happiness.

During the pandemic, we are all experiencing unusual levels of social isolation, stress and anxiety. It is in this context that the experience of happiness might bring about even greater levels of depression and anxiety. 

For example with children, particularly teens transitioning from remote learning to in-person learning, they have described to me a feeling of relief and happiness to see their friends but then depression afterwards. I imagine that after acclimatizing to such a low level of face-to-face interaction, their brains and bodies are exhausted, however positive, from the social interaction.

It might be helpful to make a distinction between two types of happiness:

Happiness can refer to our emotional reaction to a person, place or event. (e.g., eating chocolate = bliss)

Happiness can also mean a higher-order attitudinal stance towards persons, places and events. 

The second refers to higher order energy of happiness that is not dependent on external circumstances. The first form of happiness has to do with the simple stimulus-response connections that do not require higher cognitive process or what can be called meta-cognitive processes (The ability to think about thinking or a way being with experience. Mindfulness is an example of a meta-cognitive stance as it is a way to think about thinking.)

When it comes to experiencing happiness, moderation is the key. We live in a time of abundance. There is endless media to consume, which of course taps into our dopamine system and artificially exhausts our brain chemistry. 

Just as our muscles can get fatigued from overuse, our ability to experience happiness can be fatigued and especially so during the pandemic. 

Here are some tips and points of reflections:

1. Be aware of any inexplicable crashes in yourself or those around you

2. Try to be understanding if you are experiencing a dopamine crash especially as restrictions lessen and we can be outside and connect more with friends and family.

3. While we cannot always control our emotional reaction, we can always choose to adopt an attitude of happiness which might simply mean to be light, not take things so seriously, to have gratitude, to look actively for the positive, or to practice acceptance of what is and to appreciate whatever you can.

4. Allow space for experiences of happiness fatigue in the aftermath of really good days. Of course explore with family, friends, a therapist if your emotions seem out of alignment and you are curious about what may be going on for you.

We live in a culture that pursues happiness and it is the case that when the experience or accomplishment is acquired or achieved it does not last. I think it would help us all to normalize experiences of low mood after periods of happiness as it is as natural to have rhythms of mood just as we move between the rhythm of sleeping and waking. Try to let go of expectations of a steady mental state especially as vaccines roll out and we move from being immobile, isolated, and stressed. Chaos is the new normal. And an acceptance of sudden changes in mood can help us maintain mental resilience as our living situations can change quickly.

Breathwork and Meditation Practices

The following 3 practices focus on double breathing which is taking two inhalations followed by one exhalation through the mouth.

The double inhalation increases oxygen levels and alertness, while the long slow exhalation calms the nervous system and lowers blood pressure and heart rate.

You should aim to exhale for about 5-8 seconds. You can experiment with the way you would like to exhale. Some suggestions are to do pursed lip breathing, quietly saying '“haaaaaa” as if blowing fog on a mirror, or humming.

The five minute practice has one round of 20 breathes followed by one breath hold for one minute. You can pause the video if you would like to go longer.

The 10 minute practice are two round backs to back. You can combine them to do three rounds.

The 20 minute practice has two rounds of double breathing and one round of Wim Hof breathing followed by a meditation practice. In the mindfulness practice, I try to bring some levity and humor which is unusual for meditation practice. Don’t take it so seriously, enjoy the breath, experiment and play.

You can click on the link below for versions that include music or you can play these audio files while playing music of your own choosing in another tab.

Lessons gained from a three year old: BE HAPPY

Every night I put my son to bed I ask him if has anything he would like to say to me before we sing songs and say goodnight.

Sometimes he will have question of something that is confusing to him like, “What are bones?”, or he will share that he had a good day.  Sometimes I will ask him for feedback in my role as his dad, This is a chance for me to us to take offer our roles and meet as equal human beings and for him to tell me his ideas, concerns and complaints of how I could do better in my role that would better serve him.

“Is there anything I can do better or you didn’t like?” I asked him this night.

On this particular day when I asked him this I had created a lot of my own frustration with his eating, transitions, bathroom breaks, etc. I was also feeling lots of stressors related to my adult world concerns and the uncertainty and anxiety of these pandemic days. 

When I asked him if there was anything he would like me to do better, differently, more of, less of, he looked me square in the eyes with a stillness of a sage and said, “Be happy.”

I was shocked with a bolt of awe as I watched his calm demeanor delivering such profound wisdom.

One of the lessons that echoed in his simple directive was “BE” not “feel” happy. 

His words seemed particularly wise because I had not been in touch with the energy of happiness in some time. Generally, I tend to downplay happiness and focus on what is meaningful, but when my son said simply, “Be happy” I understood that I was missing a connection to a vital force of joy, lightness, happiness that he exudes so easily.  

Being happy is a sense of allowing that inner state of being to flow outwardly.

I want to focus on being happy with him not happy with his behavior or his ability to fulfill my expectations. I want to let happy be in my energy, attitude, and tone and let this be what I share , surround and nurture him with. He is such a great teacher at this as he shares his happiness so easily and freely with me. 

I am aware that adults are so dangerously capable of  crushing the natural state of being happy that all children are born with.

The next day my attitude and energy was very different with him.  I carried within me the mantra to “be happy”

My heart was more free flowing of happiness, curiosity, acceptance and love with him.

He has a habit of sometimes standing up on his chair in a way that is a bit dangerous. On this day, I simply looked at him and he said “You love me?” remembering times in the past when I have said “I love you and I don’t want you to slip out of your chair fall so sit down on your bum.” 

He preemptively heard my usual speech of safety and sat back down. I kissed him and said “Yes, I love you.”

Parenting was easier this day as I found myself more relaxed and his behavior more cooperative because there was connection, play and happiness in our state of being within and between each of us.

I am humbled and grateful for the wisdom of a 3 year old.