In the last week, I have gotten swept up in the slap heard around the world. I am trying to understand my interest as celebrity gossip is the last place I want to spend my time. I am a fan of Will Smith’s work and grew up watching the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
What I think is valuable about this event and why it may be worth your time is it is an example of how one event can divide people. Many people can watch the same 10 second clip and have different opinions and explanations about what happened, why it happened and what should happen. These different reactions reveal the processes of being human and how we create experiences: bias, sensation, feeling, thoughts, perceptions, story, beliefs, communication, etc. Through this event in pop culture, I am trying to learn about myself and other people. There are two key points I want to explore with you.
The first is the matter of self-awareness and inner work. In the current context of social media and attention as currency: Vulnerability sells. I hope to bring awareness to this issue and pose some beginning questions for discussion to address this new problem. Second, I want to discuss what I see as a collective mental illness in our culture that reinforces a collective inability to talk to each other. As as I write, I acknowledge that I am trying to do two things simultaneously; I am expressing my opinion on the manner (offering the content of my thoughts, perceptions) and I am also trying to articulate the process of learning by talking about dialogue and hoping that that larger wish and frame of keeping the dialogue going can be something meaningful and worthwhile for us all. As I share the content of my thoughts, I encourage you to both evaluate the manner in which I share these and see where I could be better either in content or form and I invite you to watch your own reactions to what I am saying. Most interesting would be the points of disagreement or where strong negative reactions come up. This would be relevant for process and for communication.
This entire blog post is both an attempt to express the content of my thoughts and to learn to engage in healthier processes of communication. I am less concerned with being right with being able to have open and healthy dialogues with others and for us to engage with each other honestly, compassionately and meaningfully.
I am using this situation of something negative (someone getting slapped) and trying to make it positive by engaging in my honest self-expression and inviting you to dialogue with me. (Essentially, saying, “Here’s my opinion and thoughts. Tell me where I might be right or wrong.”)
The last movie I can recall seeing of his was The Pursuit of Happyness (2006). I’ve observed in the last few months with the launch of his book and his documentary about weight loss that he’s come back into my awareness. Watching Will Smith’s YouTube show Best shape of my Life, I appreciated the insights and vulnerability he seemed to be displaying. There appeared to be an earnest attempt to become self-aware and to grow. But why does all of this inner work need to occur in the public eye? What effect does having an open public forum and the attention of millions have on the person’s growth process? If the person addicted to attention continues to receive attention for being vulnerable can it be said that this vulnerability is being held in an appropriately healing context? Is this process is sincere/healthy or is this a performance of authenticity?
There was something that was particularly disturbing to me about the documentary (Best shape of my Life) and it was the sit-down talk where Will read excerpts from his book to his children to ensure they were fine with those details of their relationship being shared with the public. Many of the things Will shares, they are hearing for the first time (e.g., that he struggled with suicidal ideation). When I reflect on the way I felt and my distrust of what I was seeing, the slap of Chris Rock adds to that distrust. It seems a person can feign self-awareness and inner work. Of course, an actor would be capable of self/other deception. The way I felt watching the table-read was, “This is a private moment for Will and his children. This should not be shrouded in the context of self-promotion, or selling a book.”
Since Brene Brown’s now famous talk on the Power of Vulnerability (2010), I have been skeptical about what I would now call the monetization of vulnerability. This is a larger topic for another day, but in the age of social media where attention is the number one currency and people are encouraged to put more and more of themselves ‘out there’ the space for a private life is disappearing for us all.
What are the proper frames around vulnerability? I propose that if a person is selling product, themselves, and is addicted to attention, can it be said that the revelation of such vulnerability is genuine or authentic? It’s well known that sex-sells; maybe it’s vulnerability that sells now. Emotional nakedness. You can corrupt vulnerability if you have not given what you have experienced enough space and time in a private context to be properly processed and integrated in the whole of your psyche. Not everything is appropriate for public consumption.
What I experienced with Will’s act of slapping of Chris Rock was an insecure man unsure of himself and how to be. Like many of the people in that room and in this world, he appeared to take his cues of who to be and how to act only by looking at what others expected of him. He was a slave to his reactive emotions and to external validation. Something I’m sure all of us have been guilty of mind you. “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.”
But he was not only reactive like a road rage incident, because if he was that enraged he would have just stormed the stage yelling and screaming at Chris. No, what we all witnessed was a calm calculated suave walk, which concealed his intention to hit Chris in the face. This is why Chris was so surprised. He didn’t see it coming. Remember Will laughs initially. It reasonable to think that Will was coming up to do something funny. The calculation in being able to conceal his intention and to avoid triggering security or Chris to the threat of violence reveals a much more disturbing picture; one of a man weighed down by many misplaced expectations and erroneous maps of reality.
Denzel Washington apparently said to Will, “Be careful, at your highest moment, that’s when the devil comes for you.” The secular version of that that I would have offered Will is: “Be careful, at your highest egotistical moment, life will humble you.” At the Academy awards the point of the comedian is to entertain the audience at home and to bring these so-called stars back to earth so they can be related to more easily.
That is why the single act of slapping is so complex. It wasn’t just emotions. It occurred within multiple frames of reality: emotions, Will’s past experience with trauma (Seeing his mom get punched by his dad), his ways of coping with that trauma, his relationship with Jada, Will’s need for approval and attention, his racial/cultural background, his fame, etc. The contexts and layers are endless, but how this is relevant to all of us is the way we project our own way of being in this world onto this event. Some of us will use psychological frame, like I am doing here, some will use the social-political frame, some will use a racial frame, some will use a cultural frame; others a religious or moral one. What I find interesting is that we can see different forms of psychological defense: blaming- blaming Will, White people, the Academy, Hollywood ; denial-”It wasn’t a big deal. It was only a slap and he deserves it because the joke was incredibly offensive!”; dissociative : “it wasn’t even real! It was a gag for ratings!”
My interpretation of the events is textbook projection and reactivity rather than conscious responsiveness and wise choicemaking by Will Smith. Will made a choice and it was to be a slave to the crowd which is ethos of Hollywood. ‘Spineless’ as Jim Carrey described it. I am aware of my own feelings of anger towards Will Smith because he used his ‘personal work’ and offers himself as an example to others of doing his inner work (having a therapist on the show) which misinforms the public about the appropriate ways of going about healing and inner work. Just as a pregnant woman giving birth to new life is a private matter; an individual giving birth to a new transformation also deserves a private and sacred space. I am an advocate for such sacred spaces and I wish to protect these spaces expressing the necessity of having boundaries of privacy around our inner work.
Just as a pregnant woman giving birth to new life is a private matter; an individual giving birth to new transformation also deserves a private and scared space
By all appearances, the standing ovation Will Smith received was fueled more by a superficial need to belong to the crowd and to side with the bully like a scene out of high school where the football captain beats the crap out of the skinny class clown. This is an example of the well-known psychological phenomenon: the bystander effect; essentially when something bad happens (an assault) most people will preserve themselves by ignoring what is happening and say, “Someone else will take care of this”.
For those who are applauding Will, I see them missing the point that at the end of the day he reacted in the guise of ‘being a man’ and/or ‘defending/honoring his woman’ and this is the worst kind of role modeling that any of us especially our children need at this time. In a moment on the global stage where a country with more firepower is invading another country, we see Will Smith use his star power to physically assault another black man, who experienced severe bullying in his past, and not only face zero consequences but he was literally awarded the next moment by applause as he went on about being a ‘vessel for love’. We should be moving forward away from a toxic dominance/submission model of living not backwards into it.
Will Smith needs to be supported and encouraged to do better. Not rejected. Not cancelled.
Whatever emotions were on display in the physical act of slapping Chris Rock were certainly out of proportion and unrelated to the specific act of a single joke.
As a therapist, I want to highlight this dichotomy between what is depicted of Will in the documentary (a person working at self-awareness and not being a slave to external markers like public image, other’s expectations, and the number on a scale) ; in contrast to what we saw at the Academy awards ( a conscious choice though misinformed to cross a line going from words to using hands). We need to think about what it means to be vulnerable and what the appropriate contexts and spaces are for that vulnerability and whether those spaces even exist currently. If we do not have healthy boundaries between what is public and what is private, our ability to grow is severely disabled.
Vulnerability is corrupted when it is used as a means to an end rather than a means and an end unto itself. I want to advocate for individuals to find and creates spaces of healthy vulnerability. Spaces where trust is grown not given; spaces where everyone acknowledges their limitations and is willing to grow; spaces where people understand or are willing to learn how to be supportive; spaces where people are creating safety but are willing to feel uncomfortable.
I do not have all the answers. I have many more questions. Everything in life moves constantly. I know that the incident with Will Smith has highlighted for me something important that I want to get a better grip on and make greater sense of.
Own your S#$t.
We all have a shadow side. You and me are no better than Will Smith. In fact, on a level of success and achievement he is exceptional and certainly is more rich and famous than me. Beyond Will Smith, I am more concerned about the collective response to the incident and the ways in which our mental health or rather our mental illness is made visible through this single incident.
How is it that there can be so many divergent perspectives on a single event? What do we do if we or others say resolutely, “The way I see it is right!” Isn’t the arrogance of being right the road on which dialogue goes to die?
Right now, in our global society during a global pandemic, how do we handle differences? What I see mostly is estrangement. Estrangement as friends and families disagree on matters related to vaccines, mandates and masks. The silence of estrangement has become a silent killer of connection.
If dialogue stops, doesn’t learning, growing and loving stop? When it comes to violence, isn’t there a danger that if we don’t learn to put violence in its proper place in society then we could end up destroying each other and the planet?
We need to be able to say when an action is wrong, reactive and hurtful. We can work backwards from there and heal. No one learns well through shaming, punishment, oppression. We learn well when we are in a supportive context of unconditional positive regard for the essence of the human being and the honest appraisal of thinking, feeling and behaving as it relates to life in general and specific contexts. This is the contemplation of “How best to live?”
Some people are saying that Chris went too far with his joke (in fact, it was a joke written for him). I disagree. The expectation is you should know that the reason why she has a shaved head is because of her medical condition and therefore making a joke about her shaved head should be off limits for a comedian. Apparently, Chris Rock did not know. Even if he knew, the joke was so light and not mean spirited. If a comedian can not say, prefaced in “I love you, Jada”, you look like the strong resilient female character, GI Jane, then there really is no freedom of speech and we can not tease or make jokes of any kind. Comedians should be afforded more licence because their role is to make people laugh. Their art form requires them to play at the edges of acceptability. Jada herself said, “I can only laugh” in her public declaration on Instagram about accepting her hair loss.
The collective mental illness on display in this event and in the aftermath is the collective revealing of ideology, bias and neuroticism. What is bewildering and overwhelming about this event is not just the event itself, but the reactions to the event that I am witness in various videos, articles and comments. What I think I see are layers and layers of delusion that we as a society are not equipped to deal with or work through because their are barricades in our discourse that prevent us from understanding one another and entering into needed feedback loops so we can discard the toxic effects of self-deception and face reality together.
I would define mental illness by the inability to accurately perceive and reconcile multiple perspectives and instead to be locked into one negative and destructive pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving that closes down healthy relatedness and functioning of self, to others and to the world. Another perhaps more triggering word for mental illness is insanity. When I live with a mental map that does not afford me an accurate representation or functional relationship to reality, this is the state of insanity, hallucination, delusion.
I am not immune to this disorder; this insanity. Writing this article, I have felt afraid to express my thoughts and feelings for fear of being rejected, cancelled, judged. If I give into the fear, I know that I am going to become insane myself because I am no longer willing to dialogue and interact with the world. I am tempted to hide in isolation, but this can not be the way. I want to think and speak freely. I need to. Censoring myself is something that I am familiar with and know the cost to health, life and my own vitality.
I am not sure if I am being paranoid or reasonable in my fears.
For example, I do not agree with people making this incident about race. This article is an example of racializing the incident, which I would interpret as an example of delusional thinking. I do not perceive the author of this article as having a good grip on reality. Right now the expression of such delusional thought is rewarded so it is functional in our society, but the set of propositions does not map well onto reality. The fact that this kind of rhetoric is allowed contributes to divergent thinking and it empowers a position that perpetuates racism against people who are being identified as “white'“. I feel a certain threat with criticizing this article because of the politically correct climate in which we currently live. The inability to comment or criticize this article without being labeled a ‘racist’ contributes to mental illness for anyone who disagrees. This additional trouble is this author is then left in an echo chamber similar to Putin’s long table.
We all have our perspectives and are limited by what we can know as individuals. We need to engage each other in dynamic reciprocal relationships with the intentions of seeking the best for each individual, the group and the environment.
I make no claim that what I am expressing here is the ‘right’ perspective or the entire view. No one can possess that let alone provide that in words. That would require an unlimited amount of words and time; in other words, omnipotence and omniscience.
We should approach the situation of Will Smith hitting another human being with grace and mercy, but also with justice. It is not OK to do what he did. Eventually , not on the night but a day later, he was able to apologize to the person he physically assaulted. I hope that he can heal and evolve. From what I’ve read, studios are pulling out of projects with him. Maybe now, he can get the rest he needs, gain some privacy for the first time in decades and do some real inner work. Maybe this act of self-sabotage was one of unconscious self-love. That is my wish for Will anyway.
I could not stop myself from discussing this situation with my wife and my 5 year old son kept asking me, “What are you talking about?” So I explained that a famous actor hit another man because he said a joke he did not like. Then I went onto remind my son that that is not how you use your hands. You use your voice first and foremost. Physical aggression is a last resort.
I explained that adults like Will Smith and your daddy make mistakes too and we need to learn from these. One of the things I learned as a father is to say to my son, “We love our mistakes.” We love them so we can learn and grow. We love them because love is the energy that transcends our human folly. Of course Will deserves our support and love in spite of his mistake. Every human being needs a simultaneous dose of unconditional love and conditional justice. Unconditional love is the ground of being that allows for growth and the boundaries of justice help us grow in ways that save us from becoming corrupted.
So these are my thoughts and feelings at this moment. (In actuality, I have edited this article dozens of times and have taken it offline several times. Out of fear. To clarify and evolve my thinking. I have not shared it on any social media platforms; only to close friends and in support circles.)
Some of what I say may be right or wrong. I admit that I have blind spots. We all do. We must be willing to admit them and aim at the collective project of our own self-awareness. What is essential is not ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ but the ability to have healthy dialogue so that we can help each other approximate to reality better. I am open to dialogue with you and open to updating my mind, my body, and my heart.
In order for healthy dialogue to exist, the willingness to update must be mutual which means we will each do our best to share what we see that perhaps the other does not: self-deception, nefarious intentions, blind-spots, ego, toxic beliefs, bias.
Along with self-awareness, we must sharpen our ability to speak precisely, fairly, and respectfully.
Self-Awareness and Communication skills: I think these are the two key ingredients for connection.
I am interested in growing in these two practice as these abilities afford connection, which is what we all yearn for at the end of the day.